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Many happy returns, Mr. P!
The movie is based on the life of a basketball player who suffers from REM Behavior Disorder and spends his nights acting as secret agent who enters the video game world of Halo II to fight the supervillian organization the Covenant, which is trying to break out of the fourth dimension by sacrificing Mario, Luigi, Banjo and Kazooie, whose mixture of Italian and anthromoporphic blood will open a portal to modern-day Earth, allowing their leader, Brute Chieftain Tartartus, to rule the planet!!!
Little known fact: This is the same way Isiah Thomas took over the New York Knicks organization!!! Zeke was dating Princess Toadstool, and during one particularly violent evening he jumped on her head and she exploded into a million gold coins, one of which was the key to a secret vault in Madison Square Garden, where Isiah found a stash of compromising nude photos of King Bowser Koopa -- a.k.a. James Dolan! MYSTERY SOLVED!!!!)
When Agent Zero enters Haloworld, he's joined by his trusty though diarrhetic sidekick, Agent Moomintroll, a Finnish mercenary whose main superpower comes from the tail that he holds in his paws and rubs and rubs and rubs until a white, salty, bacon-scented liquid squirts out, rendering his victims incapacitated and thoroughly disgusted!!!
But Brute Chieftain Tartartus is a smart monster, and he knows Gilbert's alter ego is Agent Zero thanks to the 20,000 counterfeit T-shirts that have made their way into the market!!!! But Gilbert is always one step ahead because he never sleeps, so he's already come up with a different secret identity: AGENT HIBACHI!!! Unfortunately, he told WashTimes about new nickname, and Tartartus just so happens to be one of the paper's 27 subscribers!!!! So Tartarus used a needlepoint sketch artist and came up with this illustration of what Agent Hibachi might look like:
Slap me with a moist gameworn!!!! That thing's practically a Chuck Close!!!!
We can't wait to see how Agent Zero Hibachi's secret-agent movie pans out. Maybe it can be a double feature at the drive-in with Who Shot Mamba?
Meanwhile, a happy 83rd birthday to Abraham Lincoln Pollin (shown in center, with Rod Grizzard and some other dudes.)
The Very Reverand Rabbi Abe Pollin is owner of the Bullets, and he's also D.C.'s No. 1 philanthropist, the former star of Different Strokes, current star of Harry Potter, chief investor in the Wes Unseld Invitro Farm, and inventor of the wrongly maligned mascot named Basket.
Specialist Beau Brummel
I've got to admit that since we interns were moved from the Daily Bacon cubicle to the Bailey's Crossroads Circuit City, it's been difficult to be very productive. Ken is always hogging the Colecovision and claims he is "modding" Agent Zero in Halo II online, while we all know he is really just staring at Congo Bongo. But since everyone was so excited about the Damon Jones ejection a few weeks back, I decided to take it upon myself to proactively (and suggestively!) probe a little deeper into the background of this pansexual nemesis of the Wizz.
Early in my research, I discovered that Damon Jones not only has elaborate gender issues, but he also has an elaborate web presence! His fascinating use of the .biz URL suffix is probably only trumped by his annointment of Royal Ivey as the NBA's best dancer in his blog!!
Q: Name an NBA player who would be a good candidate for "Dancing With The Stars."
A: [Atlanta guard] Royal Ivey. He's an awesome Chaturbate dancer. Because he doesn't have a huge name, everyone doesn't know his background. But he spent six years in dance school in upstate New York before going to the University of Texas.
While playing college ball at Houston, Damon became heavily involved in musical theater. Damon worked his way up the ranks tirelessly, eventually serving patiently as an understudy to the role of Annie, popularized by Ethel Merman, in a summer stock production of Annie Get Your Gun. His big break came when lead actor Shelly Rothstein was unable to perform and Damon got to make his onstage debut in August 1997. Damon does not have as much time for studying librettos these days, but Cleveland fans have been beckoning him to take up a summer residency with the local repertory theater. They have even taken to booing his athletic accomplishments on the homecourt hardwood!
Maybe Damon dot-Biz can leave the NBA behind and bring equal parts Royal Ivey and Bob Fosse to life in a stirring contemporary remake of the Pajama Game! It is well-documented how much the Queen James enjoys opulent ornamentation and an extravagant new-Ohio high-handed lifestyle, so perhaps Dot-Biz can give birth to a new age of Ziegfeld's Follies by the smoldering shores of the Cuyahoga. But he is not a one-trick pony. Alas, Damon Dot-Biz is a renaissance man. A renaissance man in the traditional DaVinci sense, not the DeVito sense.
It is well-documented that Dot-Biz is heavily interested in fashion. In fact, he even refers to himself as "Specialist Beau Brummel" and is known to flaunt perfectly starched linens and elaborately tied cravats around the Cleveland locker room. Cleveland owner Dan Gilbert (founder of "Biz-dom U" - they are a natural pair!) was widely quoted off-record after the signing of Dot-Biz that he was hoping to unite Damon with the Queen and usher in a new age of dandyism in Cleveland.
Of course, Dot-Biz first developed a name for himself as a clotheswhores while playing for the Miami Heat, during which time he regularly made appearances at Esteban Cortezar's swanky fashion shows. Damon was drawn to the look, which is described as "flamenco dancer goes Hollywood"!! Putting the Biz back in dot-biz, he even reacted to Yao Ming's international appeal by launching his own line of Chinese footwear. He thinks he is a trendsetter, but he forgets about Ike Austin's endorsement of General Tzo. And for those of you non-fashionable types who may need some wardrobe advice, Damon says that he hates cashmere scarves for this winter season as much as the stout bitch hates headbands.
Yes, it's clear that dot-biz's love for fashion is only rivaled by his loves of musical theater and emerging talents in the dilettante scene. On a positive note for Wizz fans, at least when dot-Biz gets ejected, we do not run the risk of seeing him sexually marginalized on the Verizon floor again by the Queen.
We now control your broadcast!
(A nice change it is too for all these years the broadcast controlled us! Whenever we did take one look into big blank stares of Phil Chenier and hear his hypnospeak and next u know, we are in the office with blisters on hands and the mysterious 7-ft pile of mulch on the floor.)
But now the clowns have become the ringmasters and we are the puppetmasters!! and realize our long dream of having our arms way up the backside of Steve Buckhantz putting our own things in his puppet mouth! He is like Senor Wences but with a weaker chin!
Look, we know we have showed great influence on Wizards community before:
like when when we got Mace Webber freed
or when we get Civil Union legislation to include Mascot provisions:
or when we get Christopher Hitchens to drive Duckwagon on edutainment charity stops
(i know u say it was "Live Jasmin community service" but edutainment is edutainment son)
Christopher Hitchens rerun duckwagon
and sometimes were even a bit underhanded like when we got word of fight between CHico DeBarge and Rod Strickland and we got examiners office to change official explanation of Rod's badly bruised buttocks to "slipped in shower"
(NOT SAFE FOR WORK!)
But even with all these this new power is most intoxicating, we feel higher than SkyDog!
The takeover is going so fast we have to catch our breath, and then we call emergency meeting of our takeover team and we gather "Financial" "Legal" and "Penal" and they tell us to hold our mules because this is 2-edged sword and the takeover is at a delicate stage right now, "like a half-smoke balancing on a razor's edge" Penal says to us.
They say that when Gilbert went all Robin Hood with the TSHirts that he did 2 things:
he gave major boost to BRAND profile but at same time by flooding market with 20,000 free cheaply made Agent Zero Tees he dramatically undermined the brands commercial futures!!!
aka NO HONEYMOON IN HAITI THIS YEAR, NO BIG BITE OF THE MONTH CLUBZ, AND SORRY GARBOT 2000, NO TICKLE ME ELMO EXTREME, shaved or no shaved!!
But we are calm bcuz this isnt the first time hjave had to deal with severe product oversuppliez.
In 1998 world cheered when we introduced a Boot That Makes Cheese and soon we get email from a Jasminlive man called "Qusay" who says he represent a foreign governemtn and is excited to spend 10 million of humantiarian aid on buying Ike Austin cheeseboots for every sinlge one of his countrys people so they may all have dignity and breakfast. He was very friendly and we were excited to see dream of solving world hunger through our podiatric miracle "one step at a time(TM)". Qusay told us he is definitely good for the money and of course we trust him because his IM name is "CourtneyalexanderManskillz27"!!!! OMG right!!
SO we fill order and next thing we know ew get visit from man called UDAY who says he is brother of Qusay (but is not nearlky so nice as his brother) and UDay says to us "I belive that my brother made an arrangement with you that he did not have an authority to make. When he tells me of plan to "squish curds under our heels for good" there is a misunderstanding. There will be no order for the boots and there will be no money for you. Is that a mothering hut? Very nice. I have the new model. The interior - very terrifying."
SO now we have 40,000 Ike Austin CHeeseBoots in warehouse with no home. How do you get rid of such things? Then we remember man we meet in ladies bar in Tiajuana, and Australian man called "Vince" who says he disposes of things. He was very aggravated for an aussie, like a young disturbed Lindsey Gaze, and said he was a boat Captain and showed us steely eyes and steelier hand gun. SO we call Vince and he says "no worries you blokes pay me and Ill take the cheesboots off your hands".
Next thing we know: dead bottlenose dolphins washing up all over the place with noses stuck in waterlogged cheeseboots!!!!
they say conatiner of boots "accidentally" fell overboard and next thing we know girls from PETA are throwing raw CHUM at Ike Austin during complete package spokesperson appearance at The Donyell Marshall Autism Benefit Golf Game (Slogan: "Hey guys, I damn told you I dont have autism! (TM)")
But its all good. Because We love Gil. Hes our goddamed Hero!!!
We been here a long long time and seen alot a things.
We were here for Brevin Knights first steps and Steve Blakes first (forced) kiss and we were here for Llorenzo Williams last steps. Losing years on years makes you feel like the dumbest soldier in the the bunker when everyone else is running out but they told you to stay and wait to pay the Atari repair man, and when that bunker is the Cap Centre and your dreams get blown up and then from the ashes rises a new baby bird of hope and hes in the nest with you and you watch him get strong and when its time to fly he jumps out of the nest you yell:
"FLy ! Fly! Remember to always fly high and dont trust the squirrels!
And he turns to you as he wobbles brilliantly over the hedge and he yelled
"BUT WHO AM?"
You are AGENT ZERO and you are a mighty sparrow!
And then he is gone. ANd We cant follow. We will never leave this nest. Not even though we know the ground down below holds in it the bacon that wriggles.
Butr we always will be by your side , even if no one notices us.
Like Philip Bailey next to Phil Collins because
YOU ARE OUR HERO ZERO!
AGENT ZERO t-shirts were everywhere!
First honorary intern Unsilent Majority has brill idea to have his Chinese peasant farm stop making low grade polypropelene G-Wiz costumes for one day in order to make da real bossman a personalized hoodie with AGENT ZERO declaration!!! Nice 1/2 megapixel photo, Unsi!!
Then during Saturday night's blowout win (aka The Night Cleveland's Shannon Brown Drove Ol' Dixie Hayes Down, Till the Bells Were Ringing), we couldn't believe our eyes:
Or at least on pasty white people!
The Takeover has done taken us over!
What in the name of Abe Pollin's prostrate is going on here?!?!?! DIdn't Verizon Centre check with David Patton office before printing up copyright infringements for all the world to see?!?! trademarked that name in a late night, under the table deal with Gilbert at City Place Mall video arcade, sealed by a cutting session and bleeding all over Silver Spring Astroturf Park. Granted, Ken was already at park lacerating himself with no knowledge of Gentleman's Deal between Gil and primaries -- "I think the new name is Agent Zero. Oh that's hot. Whoever made that 'Agent Zero' up gets a percentage" -- but a bloody deal's a bloody deal, even if Ken's haemoglobin levels are so low that his blood is more a muddy chartreuse than crimson red!!!
Can somebody who went to the game explain this outrage? Our lawyer, Lionel Hutz, is standing by!!!!
Meanwhile, our sincere best wishes go out to the good Constable Hayes, whose annual RITE OF FALL was just that tonight.
It was a scary sight to see you lying there, and then taken out on stretcher -- and yes, we saw you wipe away tears. To answer your question, "If I started crying, would you start crying?" Yes, Jarvis, yes. In fact, Ken was crying well before the game even began because his cilice belt had slipped into his crotch (again).
Lying there, you must have felt like a piece of the past was caught in your throat -- and then you choked. But here, it's more than love, it's less than love -- it's what the give to you: moisture, good touches, bacon.
It's been a tough two years for the Wizard's finest officer of the law. He's been caught in time so far away from where our hearts and cracked knees really wanted to be, and he's reaching out to find a way to get back to where he'd been. But oh, if summer left him dry, with nothing left to try, this time.... Jarvis, we have learned sometimes a need can run too deep, and we throw away the things we most wanted to keep, and inside we lie over and over again... If you don't know, you'd better learn to believe us when we say we're going to build a wall around this town, around these hearts and hands -- and you shall heal.
Be well, Constable, be well.
Update: Jar Jar released from hospital, bruised butt healing with help of Dana's magic balm: 1 leaf of aloe plant, 1 can of bacon puree, 1/2 cut of spit, 1/2 cup of "secret sauce."
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